I CANT FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME? IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH ALL OF THIS. I DONT WANT THIS. GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.
How did I let myself become this fat and disgusting? Gosh I’m a fucking disgusting pig. I’m gross I can’t even look at myself anymore. I want to punch every mirror I see just so I don’t have to look at myself anymore. Why can’t I be skinny? Or pretty? Or smart? Or good in anything? Why am I such a gross fuckup? There is absolutely nothing to like about me. Literally not one thing. Who would ever want me? Why can’t I be like her or her or her? Why? Why am I me? Why am I alive? Why did someone invent food whoever invented calories can go fuck himself. I cant handle this anymore I cant look at myself without wanting to purge I swear to god I disgust myself so much. I wish I could just be skinny and fit and pretty and I wish someone would love me or just like me or want me. I’m not good in anything. I fucking suck. I will fail anything I try that’s why there is no point in trying anymore. I wish I could just cut all the fat out all that food I binged but didn’t purge out. I wish I could just cut it out with a blade or scissors so I could not have a big roll of fat when I sit or when I stand. I wish I didn’t have to suck in my stomach everyday 24/7 I want to be so skinny that you can see my bones, my thigh gap, and my cheekbones. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty. I never will be. I hate myself so much. Everyone laughs at me for being this repulsive. I bet they secretly laugh behind my back when I run and they see all that fat jiggling. I bet they laugh at me when I eat and say: “she shouldn’t be eating that she is so sickening.” That’s why I shouldn’t eat. That’s why I can’t eat. But I do. And I hate myself even more each time I do. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but ill never know how that is. There are no joys in living for me anymore. The only joy I would have is if I would be 15 or even 10 kg lighter. I wish I was skinny. I wish I were pretty. I wish I didn’t disgust everyone. I want to starve and purge and be as light as a feather. But I’m too fat for that to happen. I’m just so repulsive and I hate myself more each day. I’ve become obsessed with a number, a number I see 7-10 times daily. That’s how many times I weigh myself. Twice just so I can be sure that the number I saw was right. I cry when I look at it because its not what I want. Its not a 45 or a 42 or a 40 or a 38. That’s my goal in life. I will be skinny no matter what it takes.